During the holiday season:
THE RIGHT AND WRONG WAYS TO REACT TOWARD ROWDY RELATIVES

MANHATTAN -- Grandma Joy, Uncle Happy, Cousin Merry -- oh yes, and don't forget Aunt Nag. While there are many relatives you look forward to seeing over the holidays, there are usually one or two you wish you could avoid.

Anthony Jurich, professor of family studies and human services at Kansas State University, said there are two positive ways and two negative ways to deal with those abrasive relatives.

One option is to put your differences aside for the sake of the family, Jurich says. If there needs to be confrontation, tell yourself it can wait until it can be dealt with on neutral territory. However, it's not necessary to go out of your way to try to be your obnoxious relative's most endearing friend, Jurich adds. It may only end up hurting your feelings before it's all over.

The second approach is to confront the relative directly and suggest that the two of you act civil for the remainder of the holiday, Jurich said. This can be a healthy approach because you can let the relative know where you stand, but confrontation is avoided.

"This may be better than the first option," Jurich said. "If you tell them nothing, and you act very peaceful around each other, you're both waiting for the other person to come down on you like a house of bricks. The other thing is Uncle Butthead might think you really like him, and you don't want him to think that. It's speaking the truth in a non-inflammatory manner."

There are other options, Jurich said, but they aren't very wise. One is to start making snappy comments at each other, and the other is to bring up all of the problems the two of you have ever had with each other at the family gathering.

"I guarantee if you start with the nagging comments, and your relative starts with the nagging comments back at you, the whole holiday is going to blow up, and you probably don't need that," Jurich said. "Or, the other thing you can do is have it out straight. Unless there's a reason for that, I wouldn't particularly suggest that at holiday time either."

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For more information, contact Anthony Jurich at 785-532-1448.

December 1998