Source: Charlotte Olsen, 785-532-1948, colsen@k-state.edu
News release prepared by: Kira Everhart, 785-532-6415

Monday, November 17, 2003

'MIXED' FAMILIES NEED EXTRA COMMUNICATION AT THE HOLIDAYS

MANHATTAN -- The holidays can be difficult for a family. Holiday stresses create new pressures, augment tension and leave members scrambling to finish the preparations for upcoming family gatherings. But being part of a family with different cultures or religious beliefs can make the holidays even tougher.

According to Charlotte Olsen, associate professor in family studies and human services at Kansas State University, one of the biggest challenges that new couples face when dealing with a mix of cultures or religions is the traditions that the two bring into the relationship. Each family handles the holidays differently and deciding which traditions to keep is often a difficult decision.

Making that decision comes through communication and compromise, Olsen said. Couples should discuss the holiday traditions in advance of the holidays so that there is ample time to talk things through and decide which traditions are the most important and which ones they are willing to compromise. By being in agreement about holiday plans, they can better handle questions or confrontation from outside family members.

Even though their traditions may be changing, it is also very important for the couple to keep their families or religious communities in mind when making decisions, Olsen said.

"You should give honor to your family members," she said. "Be respectful of their needs while also helping them to deal with the changes that are inevitable when families grow up."

Olsen suggests inviting family to share in new traditions and always keeping them informed on your holiday plans. This means informing family ahead of time of changed holiday plans or traditions, especially when the changes directly affect them.

"It's not easy," she said. "It would be helpful if there were not any surprises and people knew what to expect. Keep people updated."

When conflict arises within a couple because of cultural or religious differences, communication is again the key, Olsen said. But communication cannot occur effectively if the time isn't right.

The one who brings up the sensitive issue needs to be careful to not approach the other person when he or she is busy with something else, and to not bring up the issue in the middle of another problem. Sometimes it is even best to schedule a time to discuss the issue, such as making plans to go to the coffee shop one evening to talk, Olsen said.

When the discussion does occur, both partners should avoid blaming each other and should avoid language that will cause the other to become defensive. Even more importantly, if the discussion does turn to conflict, each person needs to gauge his or her own body language and know when to take some time out.

"In these situations, the body does react and get tense," Olsen said. "It is a warning sign that the conflict will spiral out of control."

If the discussion gets to this level, both partners should take time away from the conflict to calm themselves and reflect on the positive aspects of the other partner, Olsen said. Only after both partners are calm should the discussion be resumed.

The role of the extended family in dealing with cultural and religious differences at the holidays is extremely important. It can be hard for family members to watch the couple develop new practices and traditions outside of the family. However, the family needs to be open, understanding, helpful and compromising, Olsen said. The family should be careful not to say or do things that might create guilt. Families should also respect the couple's decisions and understand that the couple must develop its own holiday traditions.

"It's important to recognize that families go through changes as time passes and being open to these changes helps all families to adapt. Change is inevitable," Olsen said. "The new couple will need some consideration for forming this new family unit."Olsen describes these difficulties as something that will get easier with time and persistence.

"In the beginning it will be rough, perhaps, but time is an ally," she said.

Even with the challenges, Olsen said the most important thing to keep in mind is the real reason behind the holidays.

"They're about families getting together for a special holiday and building strong family memories," she said. "Don't base them on conflict."

---

Kansas State University is a comprehensive, research, land-grant institution first serving students and the people of Kansas, and also the nation and the world.