TIPS ON HOW TO AVOID THE MESS AND STRESS OF HOLIDAY STAYS

MANHATTAN -- Being mashed together in a small space with children crying, fighting or whining and adults arguing, complaining or criticizing may sound like some sort of cruel joke -- or it may sound like one of your family's holiday gatherings.

"Everybody when they return home, return -- at best -- to being a teenager," said Anthony Jurich, professor of family studies and human services at Kansas State University. "It may take some people longer than others to get there, but everybody eventually reverts to that mentality."

One way to avoid major problems is to schedule short visits and leave before you feel yourself falling back on less mature attitudes, said Candyce Russell, professor of family studies and human services at K-State.

"Once you've moved away from your family of origin, it's hard to come home and share space again," Russell said. "It's not at all uncommon for arguments to begin to surface after three days of a family being together. I don't know what's magical about the three-day mark, but the rule seems to hold true in many cases."

It might be wise to make separate accommodations at a hotel rather than having everyone stay at one relative's home, but Jurich said each individual has to know their family's rules. He said people need to know whether attempts like these, good intentions or not, are going to be misinterpreted or accepted.

Problems can also arise when planning a holiday menu. Jurich said it is important to acknowledge, right from the start, that there is no such thing as the perfect meal.

"Maybe grandpa wants the ham, and mom wants the goose, and someone else wants a turkey, but it can't all be done in one meal," Jurich said. "You have to sit down and figure out what will please the most people. If families are going to stay a while, make it clear that there is going to be 'the' meal, but there's also going to be 'other' meals to accommodate other entree requests."

Tension can also develop around the children in the household. With multiple generations of parents in one place, habit may lead people to discipline children who are not theirs, said Jurich. He said a hands-off approach may be a better way to approach things.

"Make it the rule of the family that if Little Johnny goes bananas, then Little Johnny's parents are going to be the ones who handle it -- no one else," Jurich said. "Then toes aren't stepped on. Disciplining children is an area where adults have to get out of the frame of mind that there's one right way to do it and let the child's parents deal with it in the way they see fit."

Bringing many different family units together for a holiday can also cause conflicts about what traditions should be practiced.

"This can be the most difficult part for young families who are trying to identify themselves as a separate unit," Russell said. "The couples have to decide ahead of time what traditions they want to share with the family and what they want to do separately."

Even with the best intentions and efforts to make a holiday gathering more enjoyable, people need to realize that it can't all be perfect, Russell said. She said having minimal expectations can keep people from being too disappointed if things do not go quite right.

"I think a lot of people go to family gatherings with great expectations, or they go hoping things will be different than they have been in the past," Russell said. "You have to realize that you can't hope to make other people change. Ask yourself how you can change your part in the situation -- that's the only thing you can control."

Jurich added that honesty is the best policy to use in discussions before problems start or after they have developed. He said being open is the best general policy to make family gatherings less stressful and more enjoyable.

"Families need to sit down and discuss things openly," Jurich said. "A lot of people sit down to talk, but they want to be nice to each other even if they don't feel nice about what's being planned or what's going on. Trying to be too nice can lead to one big blow-up and then being nice turns out to have one heck of a cost."

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October 1997