Source:
Tony Jurich, 785-532-1488, jurich@k-state.edu
http://www.mediarelations.k-state.edu/WEB/News/MediaGuide/jurichbio.html
News release prepared by: Jennifer Newberry, 785-532-6415
Tuesday,
November 22, 2005
HOLIDAY
K-STATE PROFESSOR OFFERS TIPS FOR SURVIVING 'MEET THE PARENTS'
SCENARIO
MANHATTAN
-- Will I make a good impression? Will I fit in? What if his parents
don't like me?
No
doubt these questions -- and more -- roll through the head of anyone
meeting his or her significant other's parents for the first time.
With the holidays approaching, these meetings are more frequent
and the pressure to make a good impression is on -- for both sides.
Tony
Jurich, a Kansas State University professor of family studies and
human services, offers the following suggestions to help make this
first meeting a smooth and happy encounter:
* Plan
ahead and do your homework. "Get some tips from your significant
other, as he or she knows their parents better than you do,"
Jurich said. Make sure your boyfriend or girlfriend informs you
of any topics to avoid. "Let me know so I can work at not hacking
off your mom and dad -- I don't want to be dead in the water before
I start."
* Let
your parents know who is coming to dinner and inform them of anything,
such as racial differences, that could surprise the parents if they
didn't know. "Your significant other needs to run interference
for you and make sure you don't encounter any evil surprises,"
Jurich said.
* Approach
the parents with the idea of being respectful of them, their rules
and their values. "Be respectful of not only who they are as
people, but who they are in terms of values and traditions,"
Jurich said. For example, don't force the issue of sleeping in the
same bedroom if the parents are strongly opposed to the idea, he
said.
* Let
the parents know you have strengths and weaknesses and one of your
strengths is flexibility. "It's holiday time and we have traditions,"
Jurich said. "If your mom always does ham and your significant
other's mom does turkey, don't get bent out of shape."
* Realize
that your boyfriend or girlfriend's parents view of their child
is different than yours. They knew your significant other as a child,
while you know them as an adult, Jurich said. "Things like
sex are problematic for parents because they see their child as
a child," he said. "Because it's there, I have to understand
that they see you differently than I do and I have to cut them some
slack."
* Make
sure your significant other is willing to fill in those awkward
moments. "If there's an awkward moment, you'll help me out,"
Jurich said. "If you leave me alone with your dad and he looks
at me and says, 'what are your intentions with my daughter,' I want
you to be aware and be able to bail me out."
"The
image you're going to present is respectful of who they are and
their values, rules and traditions," Jurich said. "You're
your own person but you're also flexible. If you can do all that,
you're in pretty good shape."
There
are some things that parents themselves also can do to make the
meeting more comfortable, Jurich said:
* Parents
need to realize their son or daughter sees something in this person
and they need to make room for them.
* The
parent of the same gender should try and bond with their child's
significant other. The father should do "male bonding"
with the boyfriend, or the mother should ask the girlfriend if she
wants to help cook or go shopping, Jurich said.
The
holiday season is also a time where introductions to new traditions
might occur. Jurich offers some suggestions on how to also deal
with these new traditions when joining another family for the holidays:
* Ask
your significant other what their traditions are, such as what foods
are typically served at the Thanksgiving or Christmas meal. "To
be polite, I may take something, but not eat it," Jurich said.
"If the parents are reasonable, they won't make a person taste
an unliked food item."
* Find
a way to contribute to the meal, perhaps one of your traditions.
"I can't trump your traditions," Jurich said. "But
I can come up with something new and that would be fine. It does
two things -- I am sharing one of my traditions and I am in the
kitchen helping with my contribution."
* Be
willing to give up your traditions and be accepting of your significant
other's traditions. "I have to give up preconceived notions
and go along with what your family does," Jurich said. "If
they have the meal in the middle of the football game on Thanksgiving,
then the game goes away. You honor their traditions."
* Attempt
to weave in some of your traditions, whenever possible. If your
significant other celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve, but your
family celebrates on Christmas Day, have your significant other
save a present for you to open on Christmas Day.
But
what happens if you don't make a good impression? For a "what-not-to-do"
example, Jurich recommends seeing the "Meet the Parents"
movies, where the boyfriend flushes the cat, knocks grandma's ashes
off the mantel and teaches a toddler naughty words.
In
addition, Jurich recommends determining which parent is more flexible
and understanding, and asking to speak to that parent. Don't speak
to both parents together, he said.
"Say
that you apologize and ask if you can start over," Jurich said.
"If the answer's no, tell the parent if they change their mind,
you're here to fix things. If the answer's yes, thank them and ask
the best way to approach a similar conversation with the other parent."
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